


Lost Again

by grandpajumpersandeyelashes



Series: Butterfly Kisses [3]
Category: In the Flesh (TV)
Genre: Drug Withdrawal, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-23
Updated: 2014-09-23
Packaged: 2018-02-18 13:50:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,829
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2350646
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/grandpajumpersandeyelashes/pseuds/grandpajumpersandeyelashes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Simon wakes up with a familiar feeling soon after his heart beats again. Itching for a fix he's trying to deny himself, he does something he regrets, and his relationship with Kieren takes a turn.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Lost Again

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry, this took longer than planned to write and it isn't my favorite thing ever, but I need it for the plot to continue. Also I hope you first read the other two works from this series, Butterfly Kisses and What Once Was Broken because while these are pretty much oneshots, they do follow up on each other. Also as always I'm awful with titles. Sorry.

Kieren woke up startled in the early hours of the morning to a sweat slick Simon sitting on the edge of the bed, tremors throughout his body. He was holding his head, rocking himself back and forth as if to calm himself. Kieren sat up, instantly concerned by Simon’s actions, putting a hand on Simon’s back.

“No!” Simon forcefully told him, smacking Kieren’s hand away. He saw Kieren flinch away, wincing at the pain. It only made Simon could see fear in Kieren’s eyes. He was scared of him. The best thing that ever happened to him was scared of him. “Kieren...” he softly called out as the other disappeared out the doorway.

Simon wanted to chase after him, but he couldn’t. He was shaking too much, his muscles too weak from the spasms to possibly walk down the stairs. He tried to stand, but stumbled back, landing on the bed in a pile. His pounding head protested as he turned to see the door creaking open.

“Kier told me you might be needing this.” Jem spoke softly, handing Simon a cool, damp rag. Simon accepted it gratefully and wiped his forehead, feeling some relief from the episode. “Si, what’s happening? Kier... He said... You hit him.” Jem stood, lips tight and arms crossed as she stood in front of him, a mixture of fear and concern on her face.

Simon sniffled. “I didn’t mean to, Jem. I’m just... Withdrawals I think. I don’t know what’s happening.” he shook his head. “I never wanted him to see me like this.”

Jem reached out and touched his arm. His muscles tensed as he fought the instinct to bat it away. It was just Jem, he had to remind himself. Jem, his friend, Kieren’s sister. “He loves you, Simon, he just wants to help if you’re going through something, you know?” she asked softly. “Kieren’s been through shit too, Simon, he’ll understand.”

Simon nodded as he swiped away tears from his eyes before they could properly fall. Jem patted his arm before turning to leave. “Jem, could you tell Kieren I’m sorry? That I didn’t mean to hurt him... I just...” he lost his voice halfway through, unable to put the words properly together.

“I will.” Jem told him before shutting the door.

Jem quietly worked her way down the stairs quietly, not wanting to wake up her parents. Kieren still heard her coming and looked at her expectantly. “Is he alright?” he quickly asked.

Jem was worried a bit for her brother, so forgiving after Simon had been violent towards him, but still nodded. “He wanted to say he was sorry, Kier, he just didn’t want you to see him like that. Didn’t mean to hurt you.”

Kieren cocked his head, not knowing what she meant. “Like what, Jem?”

Jem swallowed. “Well, Kier, he’s having withdrawals from the drugs, he thinks. I think he’s right, too. He’s not very well right now.”

Kieren stood from the couch, intending on going up stairs, before his sister stopped him. “Stay here, Kier. I think Simon wants to be left alone for a bit.”

“Ok.” Kieren softly agreed. He sat on the couch next to Jem as they sat in silence surrounded by the dark of the night. Kieren felt worthless, unable to help his boyfriend when he needed him, and awful for dragging Jem into the mess. He thought he should have been mature enough to look past the slightly rough handling to have brought him the cloth himself, to calm him down, but he hadn’t been.

\---

The next morning, Sue and Steve were surprised to find Kieren and Jem on the couch together.. It made more sense to them when they realized that Jem’s head was nodded on Kieren’s shoulder as she slept, and Kieren’s eyes too were shut. Sue stopped Steve from waking them with a soft hand before quietly telling him she was going to go wake Simon for his medicine.

Simon could hear his pulse as the blood rushed in his head. It took him a while to notice that it was a knock on the door, not just the steady beat of his heart that had betrayed him with a false sense of security. The creaking of the door sounded four times its usual volume as Sue eased it open, softly calling his name.

“Simon dear, it’s time for your shot.” she said from the doorway. He grumbled a bit in reply. “Simon, are you alright?” she asked, noting his figure leaning forward on the edge of the bed, still rocking himself as Jem had left him.

He tried his best to smile, though it was hardly more than a grimace. “I’ll be fine, Sue. Thanks.” He took a deep breath before hesitantly standing. This time at least he kept on his feet, using the wall to support him. He stumbled a few steps before a confused Sue put her hand on his back, walking alongside him. “I’ve got it...” he said unconvincingly. It wore him out even to manage to say that.

The stairs were an adventure. He got part way down with Sue, but Steve had to come over to help the shaky Irishman the rest of the way. “You alright then, Simon?” Steve asked, setting him up in chair in the living room. Simon grunted in response.

The commotion of getting Simon downstairs caused Kieren to stir. His eyes flickered open and found Simon where he sat, forehead still covered in sweat, a tremor in his hands. His parents were talking in hushed voices in the kitchen, though not hushed enough for Kieren not to hear the words ‘call Dr. Russo’ ‘maybe he just needs his shot’ ‘treatment centre’. He got up, waking up a disgruntled Jem in the process to talk to his parents.

“He doesn’t need the treatment centre or Dr. Russo.” Kieren stepped into the kitchen, surprising his parents. He had a sort of confidence and command in his voice his parents were unaccustomed to seeing. “His heart started, he just... He just needs some time. Some of the pills I’m on will help, he doesn’t need the shot any more.” Kieren told them.

“But why’s he shaking like that? Aren’t you concerned about all that?” Steve asked. “Maybe Norfolk would be the best place for him, Kieren..”

Kieren took a deep breath. “He’s not going to the treatment centre, dad! That place is awful.” he said emphatically. “I’ll take care of him. He can’t go back there.”

“And what if he’s sick with some... PDS virus? What if you get sick like that, Kieren? I don’t like it.” Steve added. Sue grabbed his arm to try to calm her husband. “I can’t let you get sick or have anything happen to you, Kieren, not again.”

“I’m not sick.” a quiet Irish drawl came from the living room. The Walkers all walked towards the source of the call. “I’m not sick.” Simon repeated. He shuddered with a new pain. “Kieren, tell them.”

Kieren looked at Simon surprised. He didn’t think Simon would want that advertised, especially not to the parents he had been trying to impress all the while they had been together. “Tell us what, then?” Steve asked after a moment of silence.

Simon nodded to Kieren. “Simon... When Simon died he was using a lot of drugs. He thinks he’s going through withdrawal. His body wants it again now that he’s alive.” Kieren quietly told them, taking Simon’s hand in his own. “But I’ll get him through it, ok?” he half promised his parents, half promised Simon.

Steve and Sue looked shocked that the well mannered young man in their home had once been an addict. Kieren was too busy stroking Simon’s hand and the hair out of his eyes to notice.

“He’s going to be fine now though, right Kier? He’s not going to do that this time because he doesn’t want to hurt anyone else. He’s not depressed like he was when he was using. He’s got Kieren now, just like Kieren’s got him.” Jem told her parents, trying to ease their minds. “Simon wouldn’t dream of using again, now would you, Si?”

Simon shook his head as little as possible to be noticed. Kieren was rubbing the side of his face, trying to soothe away some of the pain. “I wouldn’t, Jem.” he spoke, his blue again eyes fluttering open briefly to meet the eyes that were all fixed on him.

Steve didn’t seem convinced, but Sue dragged him along back to the kitchen anyways, bringing him back to the kitchen The whole room was silent for a bit as Jem sat watching her brother as he fussed over Simon. He rubbed calming circle’s on Simon’s back as he leaned forward with his head in his hands. Kieren started to softly hum a song he remembered Simon humming to him one night that he couldn’t sleep.

“No. NO! Stop!” he ordered, sounding more harsh than intended. Kieren dropped his hands from Simon immediately, standing back a bit. Simon looked, if anything, dangerous. He had a wild look in his eye as he half glared in Kieren’s direction.

“Jem, could you give us a minute?” he asked his little sister.

“Kier...” She began, concern growing for her brother. She trusted Simon, but she knew what drugs, detoxing, and withdrawals could do to people.

“Please, Jem.” Kieren said firmly, not taking his eyes off of Simon. Jem nodded and walked slowly towards the kitchen, hoping to still be able to hear the conversation as she stood with her parents. As soon as she was out of the room, Kieren spoke. “Simon, I didn’t mean to make you upset, but there’s no need to get snippy, especially not in front of my family.”

“I’m not being snippy!” Simon defended. He knew he was, why wasn’t he admitting it? He couldn’t get his mouth to say what he knew in his mind he should. He just didn’t want to hear the song his mother always sang, not when he knew how disappointed she would be in him. “I just don’t need you half as much as you think I do, Kieren. Just lay off a bit, would you? I don’t need some kid coddling me.”

Being called a kid by Simon of all people felt like a punch in the gut to Kieren. He tried to remind himself it was the drugs talking, but at the same time, it was hard to bite back some of his more choice words. “I’m not some kid, I’m your bloody boyfriend, but yeah, so sorry for being concerned that the man I love is currently coming down from the high that literally fucking killed him!” he said, louder than intended. “If I’m just some kid to you, then why are you even with me?” He asked, still emotionally charged. His voice wavered a bit as he wondered if that’s all he really was to Simon.

“You’re eighteen years old, Kieren! I’m nearly thirty! I should be taking care of you, not the other way around!” Simon came back.

Kieren scoffed, “Yeah, I’m going to have some bloody drug addict take care of me while he’s itching for his next fix. Seems like a great idea.”

Simon stood in a huff, suddenly finding the strength to move himself thanks to anger. “You aren’t who I thought you were.” he accused before storming out of the house.

“Yeah, well you aren’t either then!” Kieren called out the door after following him a bit. He slammed the front door before returning to the rest of the house still fuming. He huffed up the stairs, back to his bedroom, Jem in close pursuit.

“Kieren!” She called out from the other side of his locked door. “Kieren, what the hell happened?” she demanded, pounding the door. “Damn it, Kier!” she shouted before starting to stomp away.

Suddenly, Kieren’s door opened. His angry demeanor suddenly shifted to an entirely different emotion. “Oh god, Jem, what’ve I done?” he asked desperately, looking to be on the verge of tears.

Jem was more set in her ways than her brother. “What’ve you done is right, Kier!” she snapped before seeing how the words affected him. “We’ve got to go find him, Kier. He can’t be out and about the way he is. We don’ even know what might happen if he doesn’t get his medication.”

This time Kieren couldn’t hold it back. His face distorted as a tear rolled down his face. “I know, Jem. I know.” his voice was strained as he wiped the tears away with the top of his t-shirt. He turned to grab a hoodie to put on over before looking at his sister. “Will you please come with me Jem? He’ll hate me... Maybe you can...”

Jem nodded. “He won’t hate you, Kier. Not actually. Promise.” Jem tried to calm him down. Kieren still had tears in his eyes, hating himself for what he had done. “Hey, we’ll find him.”

“Just where are you two going?” Steve asked as he saw his children head for the door.

“Looking for Simon, dad.” Jem said defiantly, throwing on a jacket.

“We’ll come with you.” Sue told them, reaching for her coat. “Here you go, dear.” She said, handing two of Kieren’s Neurotriptyline pills to him. “Take yours, give the other to Simon if you find him.”

Kieren nodded before swallowing. He silently thanked his parents with a small smile before he turned to the door. They decided to stay with the siblings together as one search party. There weren’t many others who would help in the search if they bothered to ask, besides perhaps Philip and Shirley, but Kieren didn’t expect them to be out and about that day,

“Where could he have gotten off to?” Jem asked after they had been out a couple of hours. “There’s no way he got that far, and it’s not like Roarton’s a big town.”

Kieren was trying to keep his worrying silent, but he agreed with Jem’s concerns. Their parents had said they’d check the bungalow and that side of the village, they were to check the other side. They had looked seemingly everywhere for him, but no sign of him at all. “Jem, maybe we need to check the woods.” Kieren said softly. Jem’s faced twitched shortly into one of fear before she got it as close to neutral as possible. “You don’t have to, Jem. I can do it, and you can keep looking around here, ok?”

Jem shook her head. “No Kier, you’re not going in there alone.” she insisted, still looking hesitant about entering herself. There were too many memories there. Too many times she had killed someone, usually someone whose funeral she had attended, in the name of the HVF. But she couldn’t let her brother go alone. Especially not in this state of mind.

“Jem, I’m fine. I’m alright looking around for a bit myself, okay? I used to run around this place as a kid by myself to meet Rick all the time, there’s nothing in there that could hurt me.” Kieren looked, puzzled, at his little sister who looked ready to cry. “Jem, why don’t you want me in there alone?” he asked softly.

“Because, Kier, the last two times you went in there alone I never thought you’d come back.” she told him before finding her way into his arms. “Now that you’re, you know, alive again, I’m just scared Kier. Please, promise me if anything happens, you won’t disappear again, Kier. Please.” she begged into his shoulder.

Completely floored, Kieren clutched his little sister to himself. “I promise, Jem, I promise.” he whispered in her hair. He pressed a gentle kiss to it before she pulled away. “I’ll be back in a half hour, yeah? I know my way around, I’ll be fine.”

She nodded. Kieren flashed her a reassuring smile before turning to the trees. He was only in a few steps when he heard his sister. “Wait up, Kier!”

\---

“I don’t like the sorts Kieren’s got himself mixed up with now. I really don’t.” Steve told his wife as they walked through the edge of town, keeping an eye out for Simon. “I thought he would’ve learned his lesson of hanging out with the outcasts by now.”

Sue frowned. “You and Simon get on just fine, love. You were just telling me the other night how happy you were that Kieren had him looking out for him.”

“Sue, that were before I knew he’s a drug addict! Kieren’s impressionable, look at that punk-rock rubbish he’s still got in his wardrobe. As soon as Rick showed him that music, that’s all he wanted!” Steve argued. “He gets under someone’s spell and he’ll do anything, Sue, you know that. I’m not losing my son again. Not to drugs, not to anything.”

“He’s recovering, Steve. I don’t want Kieren getting mixed up with the wrong sorts, but Simon’s good to him. You know that.” Sue told him, suddenly catching movement down the street. Only one of their neighbors. “Kieren... Kieren loves him, and I know Jem thinks of him as another older brother. He’s part of the family, Steve, we didn’t give up on Jem or Kieren, why would we give up on Simon?”

That was the first time that either had openly acknowledged Simon and Kieren’s relationship. Not that they had disapproved of it, both had gotten over the age gap rather quickly when they saw their son smiling again, but rather that they just hadn’t put words to it before. They both knew how they felt about each other. Kieren himself never really told them, not that he had to. They had known for years.

Steve breathed a soft sigh and nodded. He knew that his wife was right. She took his arm, and they continued to scour the area.

\---

Jem looked apologetically at Kieren as they exited the woods. They had looked and looked, but no luck. Kieren had gone through a slight anxiety attack when he entered the den to see if Simon had sought shelter there. Jem couldn’t bring herself to go in, but held her brother as he reemerged, breathing heavy and sweating. He still could feel his heart racing. That wasn’t something he missed about being dead.

“Kieren, it’s getting dark, we best be getting back.” Jem told him softly after they had been sitting for a while to help calm Kieren down. He shook his head softly, eyes still closed. “Kier, mum and dad will be worried. We’ll come out first thing tomorrow, right?”

A tear rolled down Kieren’s cheek as his shoulders slumped. “I can’t leave him out here, Jem.” he said in a hoarse whisper.

“Just tonight. Ok, Kieren? Just tonight.” Jem promised. Little did she know, she was lying.

Somehow the entire town of Roarton didn’t see a trace of the Irishman for four days. The Walkers were out every day, asking if anyone had seen him, but no luck. Kieren was an absolute mess, feelinging so much guilt for what had transpired. Jem too was terrified, not only for her missing friend, but for the sobs she heard late at night in her brother’s room. The same ones that she heard years ago before one night they suddenly stopped, never to be heard again.

On the fifth night since Simon’s disappearance, Kieren slipped downstairs late at night, after his family had been asleep for hours. Something possessed him to grab a blanket and a backpack, filled with water and a few snacks. He walked out, softly shutting the door behind him.

The last time Kieren had left in the middle of the night, he had known exactly where he was going, and exactly what he was doing. Now, he hadn’t a clue. He dragged his feet along the road as he slowly made his way through the chilled air. He brought his jumper tighter around himself to try to keep warm.

He walked past the Wilson’s house. There was a light on in one of the windows, Philip’s, if Kieren remembered right. Part of him wanted to go in, talk to him, but he knew there were no words left he could use to make anything ok with his old friend. He wanted to, knew that that’s what Amy would have wanted, but he couldn’t bring himself to.

Kieren didn’t have much choice though, when the light clicked off, but the door soon opened. “Kieren?” Philip asked quietly. “What are you doing out here so late?”

Kieren looked down nervously. “I’m looking for Simon. I was just walking past.” he quietly admitted.

“I’ll come with you.” Philip offered. Kieren gave a soft small to show his appreciation before they walked on. They made in only a little ways before Philip broke the silence. “You and Simon are together then?” he asked.

“Yeah. Or, I guess I don’t know right now.” Kieren mumbled. “I just need to find him first.”

Philip nodded. “So you’re...”

“Not straight, if that’s what you’re asking.” Kieren sighed. He didn’t like talking about his sexuality, mostly because he hated making a big deal out of it.

Philip nodded, “Sorry, I’ve got nothing against you, I just didn’t know.” Kieren just kept walking. “Kieren, I know we weren’t the best of friends, but I want to be friends now, you know?”

Kieren thought for a second. “Yeah, Philip. That’d be good.” he agreed. “I’m sorry, I’m just... Stressed with Simon being out and all. Didn’t mean to snap.”

“I understand.” Philip told him before they fell into silence again. A few minutes later, Philip stopped. “Kieren!” he hissed, grabbing his arm. There in a small alley, slumped up against the wall, was a sleeping Simon. “Need help getting him home?” he offered.

Kieren shook his head. He slowly walked over to where Simon was breathing softly, having managed to find some comfort in sleep. Tears brimmed Kieren’s eyes as he looked back to Philip. “I’ve got it. But thanks. Thank you so much.” Philip smiled before walking away, but Kieren hardly noticed. He just felt so relieved.

He hastily pulled the blanket out of his backpack and put it over Simon’s sleeping form. He sat on the ground next to Simon, the side of him that didn’t have stale vomit, likely from the Irishman himself. Kieren pulled his knees to his chest against the cold before closing his eyes, feeling calmed enough from his anxiety to finally relax.

A small noise woke Simon up as the sun was just beginning to rise. He peered down the alley, his vision blurred from sleep still, uncertain what it was. He stretched, but soon felt restrained by something. His throat caught in a panic, remembering nights restrained entirely in the treatment centre, before he realized what it was. It was a blanket. The blanket from the foot of Kieren’s bed. Kieren.

He turned his head and found the golden haired boy slumped against the wall next to him, shivering against the cold in his sleep. He half leaned against a bag he had between them. Simon’s mouth felt suddenly even more dry than before when he noted the bottle of water half sticking out of it. He took them blanket off of himself, gently putting it over the sleeping boy before grabbing the water. Greedily, he filled his parched throat with the clean liquid. A granola bar and a second bottle of water were both quickly started as Simon realized how desperate his now human again body was for nourishment.

As he tried to inhale the food, he ending up coughing as a piece went down the wrong way. Kieren’s eyes flew open at the sudden sound, momentarily forgetting where he was. Simon took another drink before rubbing his arms to in an attempt to warm himself, unaware that Kieren had woke up.

“Simon...” Kieren said in a timid voice, offering the blanket to him.

The Irishman shook his head as Kieren tried to hand him the whole thing. “The problem with us is we try to give each other everything. We need to learn to keep a little for ourselves.” He moved a little closer to Kieren so the blanket could cover them both. He put an arm around Kieren, trying to pull him to him more.

Kieren was quick to shake him off. “Don’t do that, Simon.” he shook his head, not feeling right about it. Simon looked at him, perplexed. “I’m not forgiving you yet, I’m just here to get you somewhere warmer... Safer.” Kieren told him, standing up. “Let’s go home.”

Simon stood, needing to lean against the wall to get the alley to stop spinning around him. Kieren looked unimpressed. “I haven’t used, you know.” The blonde eyed him suspiciously. “I’ve been clean, I swear.”

“I’m glad.” Kieren said, his hands shoved firmly in his pockets as he walked back to his house. As they neared it, he slowed so Simon could catch up to him. “You’re welcome to get cleaned up, have meals here, but I think it’s best you stay in the bungalow. As far as my parents know, that’s your call, not mine.” Kieren told him.

Simon’s gut wrenched, realizing how much he had hurt Kieren. Nonetheless, he nodded in agreement. Kieren opened the door, only to be promptly yelled at.

“And where the hell did you think you were off to?” Steve yelled when his son walked into the room. “Gone in the middle of the night, the way you were acting lately, not even a bloody note! Your mother was worried sick! Your sister! Me!”

Sue dropped the phone she had been speaking into promptly, hugging her son, tears in her eyes. “Don’t you ever do that again, Kieren.” she tried to threaten though any firmness was lost as she sobbed into his chest. “Never again.” she repeated.

Jem just smiled at him, looking like she had been having a nervous breakdown of her own. Kieren hung his head. “I’m sorry, I just... I didn’t know where I was going. I just... I shouldn’t have. Should’ve told you I was going out.” Kieren apologized. “I just had to look... And I found him.”

“And you, young man!” Sue started, looking firmly to Simon. “You can’t do that to us again ever either, you hear? Christ, it’s like to be in this family you’ve got to scare us all half to death at least once!”

Simon looked in shock at Sue. Part of this family? She considered him a part of their family? He was at a loss for words. He hadn’t felt he belonged to a proper family for... Well, since before he died. “I... I’m sorry, Sue. I... I just... Sorry.”

“Off you go, upstairs, get cleaned up and when you get back down I’ll have something ready for you to eat. You like blueberry pancakes?” Simon nodded. “Hurry up, then.” Sue ordered.

When Simon came down stairs, in a warm, clean jumper and slacks, he was finally able to fill his empty stomach. His heart though, was left wanting as Kieren hardly glanced up at him over his bowl of cereal, no matter how little his own eyes strayed from the golden haired boy. After Kieren finished, he uncharacteristically excused himself to go upstairs to his bedroom.

When Simon was done, he followed. Upon entering, he saw bags being filled with his things. He stopped in the doorway, hardly believing his eyes. He knew he deserved it, but there was something absolutely devastating about seeing the first man you had properly loved packing your things to send you away from him. Kieren half glanced up at him before continuing to go through the previously shared wardrobe to get the last of Simon’s things in the bags.

“I’m so sorry, Kieren. I lo-”

“Don’t.” Kieren cut him off. “Don’t say you’re sorry, and don’t say that. I need time, Simon. Give it to me.” he insisted.

It was a shock to the rest of the Walkers when Simon came down with his things in bags, Kieren behind him to tell them that Simon was staying in the bungalow. Just as he had promised, Simon told them it was his idea. Sue made him promise he’d still come by for dinners, which he agreed to. He politely declined the offer for help from the rest of the Walkers when Kieren said he was walking him there.

“So this is where we stand?” Simon asked once they reached the bungalow.

“I guess it is.” Kieren said softly.

“Can I ever make things better?” Simon questioned, desperation clearly written on his face. “I can’t lose you, Kieren.”

Kieren stretched up, quickly pecking Simon’s cheek. “Goodbye, Simon.” he said before striding off, leaving Simon stunned on the front step, staring after him, trying to not crumble with the rest of his heart.

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry it was so long, I was going to put more in there but it got to be too much. Also sorry, I don't know much about drugs and whatnot, that was probably just absolute shit about withdrawal symptoms and stuff so sorry, lets just pretend that's how things work, k? As always thanks for reading, I have another probably 3 installments of this verse planned, including telling about what happened during What Once Was Broken from more of Kieren's perspective as was with Janet Macy.


End file.
